Getting Children to Eat Right: Part Two

Part Two of Getting Children to Eat Right.

(You should read Part One first. Part One is HERE)

While Mrs. Jerry’s book focuses largely on how to get younger children to eat their vegetables, anyone with teenagers at home knows that food battles don’t end at age 12! Here are some secrets to get your teens to eat their veggies too:

Milk Cubes. Soda, soda, soda pop! It seems that teens these days drink nothing but it! Begin storing soda on counter next to fridge instead of in fridge. When child complains that all of the pop is warm, say “Just put some ice in it. Sweetledee, relax. I’ll do it.” Put ice cubes made of pre-frozen milk into glass and fill with cola. When child says pop tastes funny, say it is “prolly just flat” (adult use of “prolly” to signal nonchalance will disorient teen). If child complains more, say “I think someone’s catchin’ some puberty!”

(Would be better recipe if milk was vegetable.)

Brewery Corner. Announce loudly to wife that you intend to brew your own beer and whiskey in basement. Wait until teen is watching you and take corn, wheat and barley into corner of basement, mash each, add pretend yeast and place into bottles along wall. Seal bottles. Check on bottles periodically. After few weeks, when teen asks if it is ready yet, do arm signals for “I dunno” and say to child “I’ll bet it’s totally ready. Why don’t you try it and we’ll find out!” Wait five seconds and say “SIKE! I was joking. You can’t. You are not age 21 yet.” Then leave room. Child will NO DOUBT eat up that corn, wheat and barley thinking it will get them hammered and super-smashed and give them a buzz for all time like McLovin and the fat kid in that movie! After child eats all that shit, come back into room and tell them that they were “Vegetable Punked!” If teen questions whether wheat is vegetable, then say “well, why do it grow on a farm if you’re so smart.”