Keeping the Faith: Politics and Your Child

With the election season upon us and the Ohio primary just a few days away, it’s time to talk about politics and your children. Studies show that the parent’s political leanings strongly influence a child’s politics. But why take the chance that this won’t work for you. Make sure you indoctrinate right to create your little Weepublican or Demoquat.

[ed note: anyone else think that employing a standards board in the silkscreening industry may be in order?]

For fathers of the GOP (and if you’re a father that lives with your kids, you’re probably a father of the GOP), there’s several simple steps you can take:

When you see a homeless man, to prevent children from feeling empathy, say “he used to work around our house, but I fired him for stealing your toys.”

Tell children, “we don’t hate black people, we just hate poor people.” Then say “Isn’t it interesting that lots of black people are poor” and let child draw own conclusions (being non-overt and semi-sneaky is “best practices” subtle racism child will need to master for later in GOP life).

Assure children that they aren’t racist “because we let in a couple of those Orientals and Indian (dot not feather!) kids" in their private schools. "You know, like daddy’s doctor’s daughter and your doctor’s daughter and mommy’s doctor’s son!” Buttress lack of racism in your family by saying “I would make out with her” whenever hot actress of color is on television.

Get children to associate happiness with GOP victory. Each time GOP wins an election, hold pizza party and throw dollars into air for children to scramble for. This teaches children that when Republicans win, that means cash in their own pockets via tax cuts for the rich.

For Democrat fathers there is also a lot to be done. In fact, for a Democrat, the act of just being a parent is in and of itself good at demonstrating to kids your philosophy of government and gets them used to the nanny state.

Make sure to choose childrens’ meals, clothing, toys, books, television shows and playmates through at least Eighth Grade. This demonstrates to children that persons in authority know what’s best.

In Ninth Grade, let children know that you aren’t doing any of that anymore because you respect their individuality. Crying while you say this shows that you care and makes it all OK.

In weekly allowance, include extra quarter, specifically earmarked “for some good bumper stickers.”

Dress child solely in rainbow garb “because activism can start early.”

Teach child about patron saint Al Gore.

An excellent teaching opportunity for fathers of either political party occurs on the simple trip to McDonald’s. If your child gets a standard 4-nugget Happy meal, tell child that you are “Mr. Government” and promptly take one nugget and 25% of the fries for “taxes.” [ed note: If living in New York City, change 25% to 50%] If a Republican, throw fries on ground and stomp on them. Say “See what taxes are good for.” Then eat nugget to model inherent corruption of the bureaucracy.

[ed note: if Huckabee-like advocate of “fair tax” rip off one-quarter of each fry immediately prior to child's individual consumption; stem resulting bloodflow and stitch bite marks personally to demonstrate to child that universal health care is unnecessary]

If a Democrat, explain transfer payment philosophy to child and find old people to give fries and nugget to, but only after explaining in detail health dangers to old people, writing link on napkin to both online resources on nutritional information and providing old person with lawyer's phone number to sue McDonalds after consumption. If in urban area, give fries and nugget to black or latino children, secretly spy on them over booth and tell your child “lets see what people of their culture do with them.” Write a play about it when you get home.