A Few Words of Advice on When to Have Kids (2)

If you haven't read my prior post on when to have kids, read this first

Most of you that read that realized that post's essential truths and probably rushed home to poke holes in your condoms or replace your wives' birth control pills with tic-tacs, which is unfortunate, because I was totally kidding. Hahaha! [one way you know that you've been a father for a while is when you see the words "hahaha" and you read them utilizing the voice of The Count from Sesame Street ... but I digress].

What the hell were you thinking? No matter what age you are, would you rather have a year of fun now or a year of fun 18 years or more years from now? Didn’t you learn about the concept of net present value in your college intro to economics class? Dude, you learn about NPV in the second week of the course! Fun now is worth a hell of a lot more than fun later.

If you’re 28 and have one child, then little Johnny will be home, living with you, from the time you’re 28 until little Johnny turns 18 and you’re 46. So years 28 through 46 are ruined for you. If you just waited one extra year, the only difference is that years 29 through 47 would be ruined for you. So by having a kid now, instead of next year, you essentially have traded a free year (i.e., unencumbered by children) at age 47 for a free unencumbered year at age 28. And you chose having the free year at 47!

This should be obvious, but let’s say this again, just to emphasize what a fucking idiot you are if you have kids in your 20's: you just traded a year of fun in your late twenties, when you’re fit, when you can go out and run around and have a few drinks without a body part breaking down or something leaking, when you’re still able to wake up with the clock reading "a.m." after those few drinks. You traded that away, and in exchange, you got an extra free year in your late forties or early fifties, when every aspect of your emotional and physical being will droop and you probably won’t have any friends left to go out with anyway. You could’ve spent your age 28 year with, I don't know, other women, or if you were married or engaged or whatever, you could have spent that year trying out new fancy restaurants with friends or going to shows (rock, not theatre), or taking advantage of movie specials every Monday or going to happy hours. Now, sure, you can do that when you’re 47 but, really, c’mon, you’ll be watching your blood pressure and cholesterol and, hell, you’ll probably be divorced and either have to do all that shit alone or with some old desperate hag you met on match.com.

But you made a bigger mistake. Even if you are still married at age 47, and even if at age 47 you can have a great night out and get a little tipsy with the wife, when you get home, you get to have sex with your wife’s 47-year old child-ravaged body instead of your young wife’s 28-year old body.

You really and truly are a dumbass.