Getting Children to Eat Right: Part One. (Got Your Back Missy Chase!)

[ed note: Post updated 1/15/08]
[ed note: Updated again 1/16/08!]

You may have read in the news about the recent lawsuit brought by Missy Chase Lapine against Jessica and Jerry Seinfeld for defamation and plagiarism. Lapine had written a cookbook about hiding vegetables in regular food in order to get kids to eat their veggies. Just a few months later, Mrs. Jerry published a similar book! I smell a rat!

Missy: Daddyfesto is with you 100%. I fear that the same thing is happening to me! While my wife and I had wondered who had broken into our house in mid-December, it is now clear. Seinfeld utilized his vast fortune to break into our household and steal the family computer that housed much of Daddyfesto.

We will be carefully scrutinzing Mrs. Jerry's book (and likely sequels) for the following recipe gems that were hidden on the hard drive:

Hot Blender-Nada Tube Salad Smoothie: Cut up assorted vegetables. Mix of beans, peas and carrots works best. Find men’s white tube sock, Size 10-13; stripe pattern red-blue-red (use red-green-red for festive occasion). Place vegetables in sock, add in assorted coins and tie top of sock. Have children beat filled sock against floor or wall for 3-4 minutes to soften up veggies. Microwave filled sock for 120 seconds. Instruct children to suck veggie goodness out of toe of filled sock. Sock obscures vegetables and children have no idea what they are eating! Coins add nice metallic tinge. Best for young children without teeth. Also best for dumb children.

Fresh Water Fish Poops: Buy assorted Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers (include pretzel kind to promote diversity). Place assorted crackers on plate. Take bean sprouts and place 1-3 strands of sprout behind each fish. Serve.

Variation: Mix in 3 tablespoons salt into 3 ounces of water and
splash over plate to make Salt Water Fish Poops.

Forest of Gummy Blood. Take one can diced tomatoes or permit fresh garden tomatoes to decompose on shelf for 12-14 days. Staple broccoli florets onto colorful construction paper. Choose child’s favorite color for personal touch! Spread tomatoes thinly over paper in between florets. Nibble pieces out of gummy bears strategically and place in assorted positions: drawn and quartered; severed head hanging by flap of skin; hanging from noose in tree (another use for sprouts!); with toothpick stake through heart. Identify recent poor behavior of child (for example, whining) and write message in jagged lettering on fringes of construction paper using tomato paste (i.e., “THESE BEARS WERE WHINEY BEARS”). Place at foot of child's bed after midnight, wake child and hide in closet.

San Juan Capistrano Peppermint Breakfast Hookah-Style Shake. Begin recipe at children's bedtime. Take quart of peppermint ice cream and place on counter. Allow ice cream to soften for three-four hour period. Dice carrots and green peppers and place into own mouth. Add carrots and peppers until full. Chew. Spit vegetable mixture into ice cream and mix with serving spoon. Place one straw for each child in carton. Place topless carton back in freezer before heading off to bed. In morning, put pillows on floor and place frozen carton in center in midst of gathered children.

Great for creating your own "Cosby and Chocolate Cake" breakfast moment! Ha! Don't let mom find out!

Salami Blunts. No one knows why kids love salami, but they do! Put that love to work for you. Take artisanal salami, 1.5 inches in diameter and cut in half. hollow out flat end of each salami-half to create salami tube. Liquify cauliflower/broccoli mix in blender. Pour mix into hollowed out end of salami and fill tube. Plug end with olive. Light and hand to child. (Also teaches smoking skills!)

pea-pac. Kids love dried fruit too. Why not dried vegetables! Give child pac of tic-tacs (kids love orange!) before bed "because I just love you so much." In night, while child is sleeping, empty tic-tacs from box and replace with dried peas. When child awakes in morning, tell them "Santa Claus must have done it." (If Jewish, tell child fact that Santa Claus did it "is completely wigging me out too.")

French Onion Bath. Good hygeine demands a bath at least every three weeks, but in our house we bathe every two weeks to keep kids extra clean. When child accidentally poops in tub [ed note: this actually does happen] run to kitchen and cut up one large semi-sweet Vidalia onion. As water browns, add onion to bath. Toss in fresh yellow sponges for "crouton-like" effect. (Not really a recipe per se.)

Gum Lumpy. Chew four-six large pieces of bubblegum. Blow large bubble, cordon off bubble and remove gum from mouth, keeping bubble inflated. Tear small hole in bubble with screwdriver and fill deflating gum bag with vegetables. Do it right and vegetables are totally hidden! Reseal hole with putty or other adhesive. Give vegetable gum pouch to child and tell them that you got them some Bigtime gum! If they ask what the lumps are, say “probably special awesome candy that you’ve never had before.”

Back away, ‘cuz you know that kids will always swallow their gum real fast!

Go On To Part Two.