The First (Give or Take) Six Weeks: Learning the Tricks of the Trade

I used to believe it was gospel that all kids were just fucking awful for the first six weeks of their lives. I’ve since realized that there is a range of “just fucking awfulness.” It might be three weeks. It might be eight. If they are colicky, it might be a year or two.

But the point is that the kid is going to be just fucking awful for some period of time, and the first kid is probably going to be the worst. If you have multiple children down the road, one day you’ll look back and think “my first kid had such a bad temperament compared to these others.” And a few years later, you’ll realize “my god, the first one sucked so bad because we were incompetent.” And you’ll never really know which was the real reason. Probably a little of both.

In any event, the first several weeks will likely be hell. They were for us. Screaming. For hours. Crying. Constant need for attention. No rhyme or reason to the crying. Nothing you can do to stop it; most of what you do makes it worse. Prepare your self for this.

The crying will get very very annoying. And you will begin to wonder why you aren’t allowed to simply put a hand over a crying baby’s mouth.

Let’s really think about that for a second. I mean, it’s not like she’ll remember what happened to her when she was a baby. No one has memories until they are at least 2 or 3, and most people, down the road, don’t have memories of being even that age. And doing it is not mean or cruel if it settles the kid down. Being settled down is a good thing! It’s like relaxing. People like to relax. So, really, reducing her oxygen is doing her a favor. You know, if covering her mouth is a good thing, plugging her nose while I cover their mouth is probably doubly good! Wow, this is a LOT quieter than before, when my hand was NOT covering her mouth. And although she might be slightly sadder, I am a LOT happier, and isn’t it the overall, cumulative happiness of the family that matters? Isn’t that what the great utilitarian philosophers have taught us?

OK… let’s just say it’s probably best to not be alone with the child for extended periods of time in the beginning.

You will also learn the first trick of the trade. Your whole life you have seen parents pick up crying children and put their child’s head on their shoulders and you’ve come to equate that position as a position of comfort for the child. You probably subconsciously (or consciously) thought “Parents must know that kids like that position; that’s why they do that.” Ummmm… no.

If your kid is screaming, you don’t want to bear the brunt of that awful wailing sound. Walking away is mean (and, thus, not something you can pull of while in public), so you’re forced to pick the kid up and, admittedly, this normally will help get them to stop screaming. If you’re holding them, and they’re screaming, it’s awful. But sticking the kid’s head over your shoulder makes the sound goes behind you, over your shoulder, and not right into your ear. It’s the only way to hold them and not have your eardrums in pain.

And the moment I realized this was the moment I realized just how cold and calculating this parenting business is sometimes.

In fact, it was this realization that led me to realize that maybe, just maybe, my parents were not the best parents in the world. I had long since realized that they had their flaws as people, but I had always just assumed that every action that they took as a parent was self-abnegating, undertaken with only my interests in mind. But once you start noticing the tricks you’re pulling, you’ll start retroactively recognizing the tricks your parents were playing on you. You’ll realize that your dad fostered a love of watching sports in you because it gave him an excuse to go to watch the games but still be able to argue to your mother that he was doing something family oriented. “I’m watching the games with my son! It’s a FAMILY event.” You’ll realize that when your dad took you to bad Star Trek movies, it wasn’t because he was doing you a favor. You were doing him a favor by liking the same things as him.

And while it may burst your balloon with respect to your parents, you won’t feel bad for one fucking second playing the same games with your children. You’ll start secretly pushing them to give up the nursery rhyme / crappy kid music CD that grandma bought that you grew tired of several months ago and showing them how comforting the sounds of baseball on the radio can be (or at least classical music). You won’t feel bad because, deep down, you know just how much the damn kids owe you, and you know just how much you’ve put up with, and you know that doing one thing for yourself will make the tally of selfless vs. selfish acts be 12,932 to 142. Bumping the selfish acts count up to 143 won’t even begin to level the playing field.

So in the summer, feel free to sit back and see what Tom Hamilton has to say about the Tribe every now and again. You've earned it.