"But I Don't Like Other People's Kids" You Say??

[ed note: post updated 1/14/08]

So you're thinking about having kids, but you don't like other people's kids? Don’t worry about it. That’s par for the course! Those kids suck! You’re only supposed to even have any interest at all in a kid if it is a blood relative. You can feel (probably at most) measured fondness toward your nieces and nephews – with full knowledge of their weaknesses oft in mind. Outside of blood relatives, as a man, you should have a healthy disdain for all other children. Thomas Hobbes may have been discussing life when he used the adjectives “nasty, brutish and short,” but it also could have been describing the second-grade class at the school down the road from me. Rest assured, your opinion of other people’s kids will not change once your own kids are born. You still won’t like other people’s kids. But you will probably like your own kids. That’s just how it goes.

In fact, this is a significant difference between men and women. Your wives’ friends will gather around your new baby, each as if it was their own, wanting to hold it, cooing at it. Your male friends will say things like “I’m not good at holding babies.” This is only in part because they’re uncomfortable; mostly it’s because they just don’t want to hold the boring fucking kid, but saying it that way seems rude.

Think back to your childhood. When you visited a friend’s house, how many of your friends’ mothers did you talk to pleasantly while growing up? How many of your friends’ dads?

Exactly. The dads didn’t fucking like you. Women like and care about each other’s kids; men don’t. Don’t let that fact that other peoples’ kids suck keep you from having your own.

UPDATE: To any of my friends who happen to be reading this post, I don't mean your kids, of course. Your kids are darlings and I love them to death. They are truly God's special creations, unique like snowflakes. I love your gorgeous interesting snowflake children-from-God. I really do.