Assworthy Characters

I know that many new fathers, including myself, were afraid of having to change our newborns’ diapers. Most dads quickly realize that this proves to be a fear that was completely unwarranted. Diapers are simple. I mean, if you know enough not to leave poop on your kid’s privates (and if you can remember the extra “front to back” instruction for girls and know enough to dodge piss when it comes flying at you from boys), you pretty much have it.

So while changing diapers was easy, I would often screw up putting the fresh diaper down on the ground the wrong way, and then when I went to fasten it, I couldn’t figure out where the sticky tabs of the fresh diaper were. I’d be pulling and tugging until I realized that I put it down upside down. And then I’d have to readjust and flip the diaper mid-change, which just added an extra degree of difficulty.

If you’re changing the diaper alone, this isn’t really a problem. It's not like it ruins the process or anything. But if you are changing diapers in front of your mother-in-law, or in front of your wife’s friends, you have to impress. You have to demonstrate competency. You have to stand up for males everywhere and show that you know what the hell you’re doing, that you are a modern, well-mannered man in this decade of the Oughts. If you’re fumbling around, you’re letting all well-meaning men down, not to mention the entire female gender.

To avoid this, what I eventually figured out was that, because most diapers are branded with a cartoon character these days, for whatever reason the character that was highest in the food chain for that particular cartoon goes on the ass. The less noteworthy character goes on the front. I’m not sure how this hierarchy developed (and the consistency across brands of diapers makes me wonder if there is some kind of diaper summit amongst manufacturers where diaper treaties are signed), but the hierarchy certainly exists.

Thus, Huggies, with the Winnie-the-Pooh theme, has multiple potential frontal characters, but Pooh anchors the ass (although my wife reports that this may have changed to Tigger, which, if true, would really upset this theory). I have seen Luvs diapers with Blue (from Blue’s Clues) on the behind. And Pampers, with Sesame Street, which probably would have had Oscar on the ass in decades gone by (or maybe Snufflupagus on the inside of the diaper, where adults couldn’t see him?), but now has, of course, Elmo squarely "rear and center."

Why the top character goes on the ass and not on the front is a whole other topic that I have no interest in wading into.

UPDATE (2/3/08): It has been brought to my attention by numerous persons, largely Sticklers and other members of the No Fun Brigade, that the rule does not hold as well as I suggest it does above. I swear to Ggod this used to be true pretty much across the board, however.