Should I Learn the Baby's Gender Early?

Once my wife was 7 months’ pregnant and had an urge for Taco Bell, like all normal humans do every few weeks. She drove herself to the nearest house of goodness and went inside to dine in. While in the line she poured over her options, concentrating on the menu. A customer in front of her in line said “Hi. do you know what you’re having?” My wife replied “probably two chicken soft tacos.” “No, I mean the baby.” Rim shot! It actually was really fucking funny.

Anyways, it seems that the question that even non-parents know to ask soon-to-be-parents is “Do you know what it is yet?” or “Are you going to learn what it is beforehand?” I like to answer “It will be a baby.” Of course, some people have said I have a tendency to be an asshole. But a lot of people these days say that they are going to wait until the birth to learn the gender of their child. Normally they say "we want to be surprised."

The key thing these “it’s gonna be a surprise” folks forget is that whenever you learn about the gender of your child, it will be a surprise for you. If you’re 5 months pregnant, and you learn the gender of your child, it’s a surprise to you right then. If you wait until the birth, it will be a surprise to you then. You still get one surprise in total. It's not like waiting makes it two surprises.

Do you like your birthday? Do you feel sorry for people with December/holiday birthdays? Why? Because they get all of their presents all at once, right?

That’s what waiting until the end to figure out the gender is like: getting all your surprises at once instead of over time. Trust me, at the birth, there are going to be a ton of surprises, more surprises than you bargained for. You’ll be surprised at how big (or skinny) and how long (or short) your child is, whether your child has hair and what color it is, what your child looks like, which feature is more smooshed from coming out of the "birth canal." (what a lovely name that is). You’ll be surprised by the size of object that can escape your wife. About a week after the baby is born, and it’s crying, you’ll be completely surprised at how much you wish you hadn’t slept with your wife 9 months earlier. If the baby is a different race than you and your wife, you're going to be really really surprised.

So why not spread out the surprises a bit more? Why not learn the gender at five or six months and save those other surprises for the birth?

[And, anyway, the rest of us just want a few months’ time to buy the baby present instead of having to rush around and get it with only a few days' notice]