Choosing a Name: Daddyfesto's Nine Rules

There are lots of rules to naming kids. Some are blatantly obvious: family names are good; watch out about using last names as middle names (i.e., make sure the names are such and your kid is such that it can be pulled off); generally, older names that have been around the block are better than newly created ones; spell the name right, goddamn it. These rules are basic and clear. This is simple stuff. You should know these easy ones.

But other rules aren’t so clear. This is a lifelong decision, after all. So here are Daddyfesto’s suggestions for some rules to naming kids:

First, the DISTANCE RULE. Primarily, this means that, you can’t name your kids the name of anyone you or your family is particularly close to geographically, professionally or emotionally. God knows you don’t want your boss to learn that your son has the same name as him; your boss might take it as a sign of affection and start trying to hang out with you during work or, even worse, after work. This rule means no naming the same name as a neighbor, no copying names of any cousin (unless you see them less often than presidential elections occur), no naming your kid the name of a good friend of your other kids, no using a name of a close friend of yours that you’re still in touch with, and of course no using the name of an ex-girlfriend. No one wants to name their daughter the name of someone they’ve had sex with or thought about having sex with.

Second is the DON’T OVERDO THE DISTANCE RULE RULE. Some people say “In kindergarten I knew this girl Joanna Jones who picked her nose and then she moved away after half a year before we got to first grade, so while I like the name Joanna, I hate the association with the nose-picker.” This is overdoing the DISTANCE RULE. You’re going to have some kind of association, conscious or not, with most of the names in the world. You shouldn’t choose a name focusing too much on the coolness of those that have had the name in the past. Choose the name based upon the quality of the name. While saying “Joanna” is going to remind you of that girl for the first 2 weeks, after that the only thing you are going to think of when you say “Joanna” is your kid.

Assigning the name to your kid is ultimately like becoming proficient in a foreign language. In the beginning, you say “Jack” and that translates to “my kid” and that translates into the baby in front of you. Very quickly, however, your brain, when it hears your kid’s name, thinks of your kid. The word “Jack” is immediately associated with the baby. “Jack” IS the baby. You could name your child “Foot” and rhyme it with “toot,” and it would seem completely natural to you after a month or two. The associations you might have with the name will fade. Worry about them a little; don’t worry too much about them.

Third, the DOUBLE SOUND RULE. I have experience with this one personally and can attest that it’s no good. This rule says that the first letter of the first name should not have the same sound as the first letter of the last name. So Ray Ryerson is out. Jon Jackson is a no go. Note that it is the sound that matters; not the letter. So Cindy Sellers is out too.

This is not to be confused with a double letter rule. That rule does not exist. In fact, some of the best names in the world have the same letter, but different sounds: Phil Patterson is a classic. Cindy Cameron works well.

And, of course, lets not forget Sarah Scheid.

Fourth, the MIDDLE NAME RULE. This rule is that you should largely ignore middle names when choosing your child’s name. This rule is most often violated by grandmothers who, when considering a name, will say all three names allowed: “Katherine Katrina Smith” or “William Timothy Black.” The first name, using the middle name, sounds dumb (and would violate the DOUBLE SOUND RULE if it applied to middle names which it does not), but if you say “Katie Smith” it’s a fine upstanding American name. The second name, using the middle name, sounds fine. But when you realize that you named your child “Bill Black,” you may have second thoughts. So when considering a name, make sure you give 98% of the consideration to the first and last names. When you test it and say it out loud, don’t say the middle name. No one else is going to once the kid grows up.

Fifth, the THREE OR FOUR SYLLABLE RULE. Ideally, a name spoken allowed, including first and last names, should be three or four syllables. Four is probably ideal, but three works well enough. Five is passable; probably too lengthy, but maybe necessary if you have longish last name. Six is definitely too long. But two syllables is the real problem (Bill Black again; John Capp; Frank Gunn). This normally isn’t a problem for girls, who have very few one syllable first names to choose from. But this rule means that if your last name is Alexander, you should be looking to pick a first name that has one syllable or your kid is going to spend most of first grade getting his or her name on the top of their papers instead of doing their actual schoolwork.

Sixth, the POPULARITY RULE. This one is simple. Go to the social security website that has all the baby names (type: “social security baby name” into Google if you don’t know what I’m talking about; it’s cool stuff). Look at the 400 names between 21st in popularity and 420th in popularity. That’s what you have to choose from. Anything more popular and when you call your kid’s name on the playground three different heads will turn. Anything less popular and people will think you’re trying to show off. Exceptions can be made for family names, however.

Seventh, the NOT A DOG RULE. This is the rule most violated by men under the age of 30. You are picking names. You decide that “Otto” and “General” are your favorite names. Then your wife screams at you: “It’s a person, not a dog!” And so apparently you’re violating some sort of rule, I guess. At least this is what I was told.

Eighth (courtesy of my friend Chris), the STRIPPER NAME RULE. If you go to a strip club (not that you would do such a thing, but hypothetically speaking), and you get a lap dance, and the stripper whispers her name in your ear, is there a chance your daughter will have the same name? If that’s possible, your daughter has a bad name. So let go of Cinnamon, Angel and Crystal. And, frankly, Tiffany and Amber are more and more suspect. Britney? I think it goes without saying.

Ninth, the PLAYGROUND RULE. This might be the most popularly applied rule. Once you have settled on several names, make your pregnant wife have a glass of wine or two with you (and you should always triple your pregnant wife’s alcohol intake, so as to make her feel like she’s practically drinking nothing) and then attack the name like a vicious 5th grader on the playground. Suddenly, in a flash, Ginas and Richards are no longer a possibility, along with Delores and Mulva.

That’s it. Nine simple rules to naming your kid.

Once your kid is named, who you tell about the proposed name is an entirely different issue.