One humongous benefit of having children is that you now are allowed to wrestle with people! Pre-children, you likely have far too little wrestling in your life (not counting special wrestling). Children give you wrestling partners for at least a decade. And, unlike in middle school, this is satisfying wrestling, as you’re wrestling with people whose asses you can kick at your leisure.
Honestly, apart from the benefits for you from burning off a little end-of-the-day stress, it’s a lot of fun for the kids to have their father throw them around. In fact, if you’re a little on the rough side so that it’s actually a bit dangerous, like tossing them 5 feet or so through the air onto a couch (or a pillow), they can sense the danger and they really like it. It psyches them up and gets their adrenalin pumping even more. In fact, in my house, if a roughhousing activity ends with a kid crying and injured, that’s what they want to play the next time.
I’ve learned, however, that many fathers, maybe if they were the only boy child or maybe if their father was older, sadly do not understand the many forms of roughhouse available to them. And many wives, particularly women with only sisters, will look at you like you’re crazy when you tell them that you are going to wrestle the children (oops… wrestle with the children … note that adding the “with” makes it sound friendlier and thus more likely that your wife will permit this). My wife has was very much a skeptic but has, over the years, eventually warmed up enough that mommyfesto occasionally will charge in from the kitchen and side with the kids to kick my ass if she feels I’m being a bit hard on them.
So, for the uninitiated, here are some forms of roughhouse experienced in the daddyfesto household (note: although this may appear to be a parody, this is actually serious). Please note that this is only the tip of the iceberg. I tallied at least 20 different things we’ve had going in this house at one time or another (in fact, I tallied so many that it made me realize just how much you’re cooped up inside in the winter in Cleveland and just how much that stinks). Without further ado:
Standard Roughhousing. This is just wrestling, except that instead of trying to pin your children, you are trying to incapacitate them and tickle them. The primary rule that you, the father, must abide by is that if the kids land a solid blow, you have to act stunned (whether or not you are actually stunned). If you are roughhousing with two children, such a blow would permit a trapped child escape (hopefully this will teach your son chivalry). Think Olympic Boxing. It doesn’t matter if the punch hurts, it still scores a point; so if it’s a clean blow, you have to act stunned for a second.
“Super” Roughhousing. The difference between roughhousing and super-roughhousing is that super-roughhousing is nasty. Mainly, I the super version allows punching anywhere except the face and private area. I even allow scratching (if nails have been clipped recently). We’ve had to create additional rules as my son tests out various ways to injure a human being (e.g., no poking daddy in the eye, even if it isn’t a punch), but generally, they get to whale on you.
What do you get? Super-roughhousing was invented after I first realized that if you hit a child square with an open hand in the middle of their back you will (a) make a cool sound, akin to hitting a watermelon with a baseball bat on a check swing and (b) more importantly, not hurt the child. I’m not sure why it doesn’t hurt the child. All I know is that while I’ve never completely “let go,” I’ve probably smacked them on the back harder than I should have, and no crying or game stoppage has resulted (but make sure you hit them square!) Of course, I’m sure there internal bleeding or something, but really, it’s the visible injuries that are gonna get you in trouble, so don’t concern yourself with that.
Super-roughhousing needs to be used sparingly. It needs to be reserved as a reward for the kids getting through tough periods, like having to spent 4 hours cooped up at a wedding and reception. It is for a time when they have too much energy and no good outlet, as you’re essentially volunteering to be a punching bag.
Harry Hungry Bed: When you’re changing the sheets on your bed, take the kids up there. Stand at the foot of the bed and lift the mattress (but not the box spring) into the air, so that the bed, from the side, forms a “greater than” sign. Have your children dart across the box spring while you count down “5…4…3….2….1.” At one, let go of the mattress, then check and see what you’ve caught. If you’ve caught both, pretend to leave the room and go to work. If you’ve caught only one of multiple children, you get to climb onto your bed and pretend to sleep while the remaining child has to pull your fat ass off the bed. If all children are caught, you get to roll around on the bed for a bit while your wife yells things at you involving the word “suffocate.”
When we play this these days, my kids tend to scream louder. This suggests that either I’m gaining weight or it’s time to get a new bed or both.
Fairground Ducks: Pillow-Style. This one is best done in a hall or place with hardwood floors. (Even better if you have a hall that ends with a carpeted room!) Gather up some smaller pillows. Have your children stand at one end of the hall with you sitting at the other. Whip the pillows down the hall in a Frisbee-like motion and have your children leap over them as the pillows fly by. Once all pillows are gone, they have to gather them up and run them back to you for another round. If you get a solid shot they can’t dodge, their legs will whip out behind them and they’ll hit the ground hard (which is why it’s best if you can put them on carpet). Score! Stone skipping techniques work better than you think with the pillows.
Note: Warning! If your child, like my son, has a 2 inch vertical leap, he’s not going to clear any of the pillows and you’re going to fucking annihilate him, a fact I luckily discovered while my wife was not in the house (insert white boy can’t jump joke here).
Walk on Daddy’s Back. Self-explanatory. A definite two-birds-one-stone-situation. Having kids may be worth it for this reason alone. With multiple children, choose the child based upon the severity of the back pain. Some days you need a light 4-year old walk; other days a 7-year old it called for. If you do it on your bed and shake every once in a while so they’ll fall off, you can call it a new kind of roughhousing and trick them until they get bored after about 5 minutes.
Blind Monster. Sit and position yourself in the center of a room with as little furniture as possible. Close your eyes and spin to disorientate yourself. You’re allowed to move but must stay in the room. Using your sense of hearing, your goal is to snatch up the children as they rush in and out of the room. The kids’ goal is to jump onto your back, and if they are successful, they win. There you go.
Explaining to hospital workers that you broke your child’s cheekbone playing a game will be a tough sell, so be sure to swing your arms low to the ground. This is also a good time to break out the standard Obi Wan style father joke: “you are going to smile and start laughing now” which nails the young kids within 5-10 seconds almost every time if used judiciously. Also, make sure the toddlers (and any cats) are out of the room with mom so you don’t clock them.
Have you tried to close your eyes for 15-30 minutes straight without being asleep? It’s not natural. So you ultimately open them inadvertently and the kids cry foul. So essentially this game teaches them that daddy is a cheater. And so it also serves to prove to children that daddy is just a mere mortal man after all. So I guess this is another two-birds-one-stone situation.
Wake Up Daddy. This one was invented by my 20 month old. If daddy is sleeping, or even just resting his eyes and not even asleep, come up and whack him on the head as hard as you can and shout “wake up daddy.” Then run away. Then laugh. Like everything else with 20 month olds, repeat ad nauseum. I normally wake up after about 15 whacks.
Throw Children In Air. Is it never shake a baby or always shake a baby? I sometimes forget. No, seriously, once the kids are old enough so you aren't violating maxims so basic they are printed on the sides of city buses, this one is fun (and is exactly what it sounds like).
One important tip is to throw the youngest child first. If you throw the oldest child first, you might get used to putting some umph behind your throws and you’ll end up with dent marks of your youngest kid’s head on the ceiling.
If you’ve got a room with a vaulted ceiling, it’s extra fun and has the added benefit of actually giving your arms a workout (make sure to do multiple reps of tosses). If you don’t have a vaulted ceiling, do it BowFlex style and tell your kid to put their arms up in the air to keep them from smacking their head on the ceiling. Since they are pushing off the ceiling, it becomes a kind of resistance workout.
********
There you go. Those are some of the basics we use around here, and should get you going. Since your wife likely has sough to retire from the “wrestling” circuit, and since men don’t hug enough, roughhousing will give you the physical contact you need for a healthy emotional state.
Happy roughing.
Honestly, apart from the benefits for you from burning off a little end-of-the-day stress, it’s a lot of fun for the kids to have their father throw them around. In fact, if you’re a little on the rough side so that it’s actually a bit dangerous, like tossing them 5 feet or so through the air onto a couch (or a pillow), they can sense the danger and they really like it. It psyches them up and gets their adrenalin pumping even more. In fact, in my house, if a roughhousing activity ends with a kid crying and injured, that’s what they want to play the next time.
I’ve learned, however, that many fathers, maybe if they were the only boy child or maybe if their father was older, sadly do not understand the many forms of roughhouse available to them. And many wives, particularly women with only sisters, will look at you like you’re crazy when you tell them that you are going to wrestle the children (oops… wrestle with the children … note that adding the “with” makes it sound friendlier and thus more likely that your wife will permit this). My wife has was very much a skeptic but has, over the years, eventually warmed up enough that mommyfesto occasionally will charge in from the kitchen and side with the kids to kick my ass if she feels I’m being a bit hard on them.
So, for the uninitiated, here are some forms of roughhouse experienced in the daddyfesto household (note: although this may appear to be a parody, this is actually serious). Please note that this is only the tip of the iceberg. I tallied at least 20 different things we’ve had going in this house at one time or another (in fact, I tallied so many that it made me realize just how much you’re cooped up inside in the winter in Cleveland and just how much that stinks). Without further ado:
Standard Roughhousing. This is just wrestling, except that instead of trying to pin your children, you are trying to incapacitate them and tickle them. The primary rule that you, the father, must abide by is that if the kids land a solid blow, you have to act stunned (whether or not you are actually stunned). If you are roughhousing with two children, such a blow would permit a trapped child escape (hopefully this will teach your son chivalry). Think Olympic Boxing. It doesn’t matter if the punch hurts, it still scores a point; so if it’s a clean blow, you have to act stunned for a second.
“Super” Roughhousing. The difference between roughhousing and super-roughhousing is that super-roughhousing is nasty. Mainly, I the super version allows punching anywhere except the face and private area. I even allow scratching (if nails have been clipped recently). We’ve had to create additional rules as my son tests out various ways to injure a human being (e.g., no poking daddy in the eye, even if it isn’t a punch), but generally, they get to whale on you.
What do you get? Super-roughhousing was invented after I first realized that if you hit a child square with an open hand in the middle of their back you will (a) make a cool sound, akin to hitting a watermelon with a baseball bat on a check swing and (b) more importantly, not hurt the child. I’m not sure why it doesn’t hurt the child. All I know is that while I’ve never completely “let go,” I’ve probably smacked them on the back harder than I should have, and no crying or game stoppage has resulted (but make sure you hit them square!) Of course, I’m sure there internal bleeding or something, but really, it’s the visible injuries that are gonna get you in trouble, so don’t concern yourself with that.
Super-roughhousing needs to be used sparingly. It needs to be reserved as a reward for the kids getting through tough periods, like having to spent 4 hours cooped up at a wedding and reception. It is for a time when they have too much energy and no good outlet, as you’re essentially volunteering to be a punching bag.
Harry Hungry Bed: When you’re changing the sheets on your bed, take the kids up there. Stand at the foot of the bed and lift the mattress (but not the box spring) into the air, so that the bed, from the side, forms a “greater than” sign. Have your children dart across the box spring while you count down “5…4…3….2….1.” At one, let go of the mattress, then check and see what you’ve caught. If you’ve caught both, pretend to leave the room and go to work. If you’ve caught only one of multiple children, you get to climb onto your bed and pretend to sleep while the remaining child has to pull your fat ass off the bed. If all children are caught, you get to roll around on the bed for a bit while your wife yells things at you involving the word “suffocate.”
When we play this these days, my kids tend to scream louder. This suggests that either I’m gaining weight or it’s time to get a new bed or both.
Fairground Ducks: Pillow-Style. This one is best done in a hall or place with hardwood floors. (Even better if you have a hall that ends with a carpeted room!) Gather up some smaller pillows. Have your children stand at one end of the hall with you sitting at the other. Whip the pillows down the hall in a Frisbee-like motion and have your children leap over them as the pillows fly by. Once all pillows are gone, they have to gather them up and run them back to you for another round. If you get a solid shot they can’t dodge, their legs will whip out behind them and they’ll hit the ground hard (which is why it’s best if you can put them on carpet). Score! Stone skipping techniques work better than you think with the pillows.
Note: Warning! If your child, like my son, has a 2 inch vertical leap, he’s not going to clear any of the pillows and you’re going to fucking annihilate him, a fact I luckily discovered while my wife was not in the house (insert white boy can’t jump joke here).
Walk on Daddy’s Back. Self-explanatory. A definite two-birds-one-stone-situation. Having kids may be worth it for this reason alone. With multiple children, choose the child based upon the severity of the back pain. Some days you need a light 4-year old walk; other days a 7-year old it called for. If you do it on your bed and shake every once in a while so they’ll fall off, you can call it a new kind of roughhousing and trick them until they get bored after about 5 minutes.
Blind Monster. Sit and position yourself in the center of a room with as little furniture as possible. Close your eyes and spin to disorientate yourself. You’re allowed to move but must stay in the room. Using your sense of hearing, your goal is to snatch up the children as they rush in and out of the room. The kids’ goal is to jump onto your back, and if they are successful, they win. There you go.
Explaining to hospital workers that you broke your child’s cheekbone playing a game will be a tough sell, so be sure to swing your arms low to the ground. This is also a good time to break out the standard Obi Wan style father joke: “you are going to smile and start laughing now” which nails the young kids within 5-10 seconds almost every time if used judiciously. Also, make sure the toddlers (and any cats) are out of the room with mom so you don’t clock them.
Have you tried to close your eyes for 15-30 minutes straight without being asleep? It’s not natural. So you ultimately open them inadvertently and the kids cry foul. So essentially this game teaches them that daddy is a cheater. And so it also serves to prove to children that daddy is just a mere mortal man after all. So I guess this is another two-birds-one-stone situation.
Wake Up Daddy. This one was invented by my 20 month old. If daddy is sleeping, or even just resting his eyes and not even asleep, come up and whack him on the head as hard as you can and shout “wake up daddy.” Then run away. Then laugh. Like everything else with 20 month olds, repeat ad nauseum. I normally wake up after about 15 whacks.
Throw Children In Air. Is it never shake a baby or always shake a baby? I sometimes forget. No, seriously, once the kids are old enough so you aren't violating maxims so basic they are printed on the sides of city buses, this one is fun (and is exactly what it sounds like).
One important tip is to throw the youngest child first. If you throw the oldest child first, you might get used to putting some umph behind your throws and you’ll end up with dent marks of your youngest kid’s head on the ceiling.
If you’ve got a room with a vaulted ceiling, it’s extra fun and has the added benefit of actually giving your arms a workout (make sure to do multiple reps of tosses). If you don’t have a vaulted ceiling, do it BowFlex style and tell your kid to put their arms up in the air to keep them from smacking their head on the ceiling. Since they are pushing off the ceiling, it becomes a kind of resistance workout.
********
There you go. Those are some of the basics we use around here, and should get you going. Since your wife likely has sough to retire from the “wrestling” circuit, and since men don’t hug enough, roughhousing will give you the physical contact you need for a healthy emotional state.
Happy roughing.
4 comments:
Yes, the phrase "if you hit a child square in the middle of the back you will make a cool sound, akin to hitting a watermellon with a check swing" will help in your upcoming DFACS hearing.
See, but at least you can get some air time on Nancy Grace out of this.
I should also add that wrestling is, at best, only considered appropriate for running cross training.
Re: roughhousing - About twice a month or so my significant other thinks it's funny to pin me, headlock, etc., messing with tendons so it hurts, doing things that hurt but (usually) don’t leave any marks - he’s almost twice as big as I am - I thought it was funny the first time or so, but I get claustrophobic-panicky and I don’t like it anymore and even though I’ve let him know that, he still tries sometimes and then acts hurt when I tell him to stop. He has three grown kids and did lots of stuff like this with them while they were growing up.
Am I being a wussy poor sport? Should I be trying to enjoy this or is he (as I fear) sadistic? He’s a great guy in all other ways.
Is it even remotely possible that I could learn to somehow pin a guy twice my size?
I feel slapping the child with an open had is inappropriate my son-in-law does it and leaves red marks all over the child. not happy. I thing is a angry man taking it out on is small sons
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