Aunt and Uncle Birthday Wars

It’s hard enough to figure out what your own kids want for their birthdays. I struggle with
whether to buy them exactly what they say that they want (but where’s the surprise in that?), or to buy them something that they would want if they knew existed, or to buy them something that they might not even think they wanted, but will eventually like once they start playing with (that’s the ideal, but failure is common) or to buy them something that’s good for them, whether they want it or not. It can be tough.

Lucky for my oldest daughter, as the first grandchild on my side of the family, she has gotten presents each birthday from all of my three siblings, her aunts and uncles. But she is doubly impossible to buy presents for, for reasons I won’t bore you with.

Her 8th birthday just happened earlier this week. My wife and I struggled to figure out what to get her (thank you Amazon for the just-in-time sale on Flip video cameras, by the way), so we weren’t expecting much success when the presents rolled in from others. If it went like last year’s birthday, she would act appreciative, but never actually play with many of the toys.

And the presents did roll in this year from my siblings. But it appears that all three of my siblings have thrown up their hands and completely given up on trying to figure out what a good present might be for her, because all three of them gave her money.

The danger inherent in this choice is that, since they all gave money, it was easy for my daughter (and, OK, me) to compare and contrast gifts to figure out who is generous and who is cheap. And while that might seem like an easy comparison, we had to grade these on a curve:

My young sister gave $8. Four bonus dollars are awarded to her for actually knowing how old my daughter she is. So we’ll count this as worth $12.

My brother gave $10. Now arguably, this would beat the $8 gift, but he also sent the gift via overnight mail, apparently paying an extra $16.50 in the process. It’s tough to know how to count this one. We’ll award him three bonus dollars for spending the extra cash. But he loses two bonus dollars for forgetting her birthday until the last minute. So this gift is worth $11.

My old (but still younger than me) sister gave $20. This looks like the winning gift. This sister, however, lives in Chicago. $20 in Chicago is only worth $15 here due to cost of living issues, so this gift only counts as $15. Plus, she gave really good gifts in the past, so expectations were high. Deduct an extra $2. Still, at $13, old sister takes the prize.

Accordingly, my old sister and her husband will now be called, to my children, “your generous aunt and uncle” whereas the others will be “your cheapskate aunts and uncles.”

(Note to my siblings: next year, a small separate check made out to me will influence who I deem the “winner” in future comparisons of this sort, and may well be worth your while).

Another good thing about this cash-based-present development is the precedent that it sets. My young sister gave birth to a son in February. So utilizing her logic, next February, he gets a shiny Sacajawea $1 coin for his first birthday. Cheap for me! My brother’s wife gave birth to a daughter last December. Since his philosophy is to spend more on postage than on the gift, and stamps are now 42 cents, his daughter will get 40 cents. As for my old sister? She’s pregnant, with a baby due in a few months. When that baby is born, we’ll give him/her (I know which gender it is, but I’m not telling you) $5 and tell my sister that for poor folk here in Cleveland, that’s a full day’s wages.

$6.40 on three presents next year. What a deal!