Children's Entertainments

People are waiting longer to have kids these days. There are a variety of theories as to why that is. Many people think that people are waiting longer because people are living longer in general and are thus waiting longer to do everything in life; others subscribe to the theory that a better educated populace (particularly a female one) wants to become established in their careers before having kids.

I subscribe to a different theory, The Wiggles and Teletubbies Theory, which goes like this. People happen to be channel surfing one day, and they happen to catch the Wiggles or the Teletubbies on television (or they are at their older sister’s house while her kids are watching it). After being exposed to the show for 30-60 seconds, they are so intensely horrified by what they see that they often become celibate so as to not have to risk ever having children and having to see those programs again.

Of course, some of us fail in our quest for celibacy. But even then, when your wife is pregnant, you’ll make a definitive no-joking statement that, once the kid is born, that shit is not coming into your house no matter what. No dumbass kiddie TV shows. No Wiggles. No Teletubbies. No Barney. No Boo-Bah.

And then one day something will happen. Your child, who never before paid attention to the television when you were watching The Office or the Browns or the Indians will happen to see the Wiggles (maybe you’ve left the room and your mom put it on or something). And your child will be fascinated and glued to the television. And you’ll, of course, rush to turn it off, but when you do, your child will cry. If they catch 60 seconds of one of those shows, it’s over. They are hooked. The Wiggles et al are crack cocaine for babies.

This will be a decision point for you. Part of you may think your kids should be kept away from that pap. But do you always keep yourself from non-edifying things? I mean, personally, every now and again, I like a good action movie; from time to time I will enjoy a good pop or rap song with few redeeming artistic qualities. I see nothing wrong with permitting myself a guilty pleasure now and again. If I let myself have that, can I deny my children? I’d love to have them watch the wholesome and healthy Sesame Street. But sometimes they just ain’t digging Oscar.

So I caved. Most dads do. I could see it in their eyes that they really loved that shit like nothing else out there, and as a father, you’re going to have a weakness for that. So I let them go.

Thankfully, within a year, each of my kids grew out of watching the worst crap out there and moved on to barely-tolerable crap (Clifford; Dragon Tales; etc.) or decent stuff like Sesame Street. So I didn’t have to pull my Clockwork Orange impression or anything like that.

NOTE: Speaking of the Wiggles, do you realize how rich those smarmy Australians must be from singing that pap? I once went to a Wiggles concert at $20+ a seat with over 5,000 people in attendance; it was a truly frightening experience, with several people essentially turning their children into Wiggles groupies, with t-shirts and posters and signs and other random merch. At least 100 people brought actual roses at god knows what cost, because the Wiggles’ dinosaur apparently has a thing for roses. Apparently this happens at every show.

But you know what? Every time I watch one of those shows I think “shit; even if you offered me the millions that the Wiggles make, it wouldn’t be worth it. There isn’t enough money in the world.”